Book Summary of "If I Have to Tell You One More Time"

Since the beginning of the summer, I started reading a book by Amy McCready titled "If I Have To Tell You One More Time". It was a very good learning tool that I have almost fully embraced. I would love to embrace it fully, and hopefully in time, I will be able to.

I actually read this book twice, once over our family vacation and then again to write down notes. I wrote 11 pages of notes over the course of a couple days.  The book is split out into chapters and goes over 23 Toolbox Solutions.

Let's get started: (Please don't scrutinize my punctuation and grammar!)

If I Have To Tell You One More Time... by Amy McCready

Toolbox Solution #1

-Mind, Body & Soul Time-

• ·      Use Daily
• ·      Twice a day, at least 10 minutes each time
• ·      No TV's, face to face time
• ·      Label it - 'Special Time', talk about it before and after
• ·      Use a timer; minimum is 10 minutes.

Toolbox Solution #2

-The Calm Voice-

• ·      Will keep you calm and cool
• ·      Empowers child to respond in an adult like manner
• ·      No one enjoys yelling at their kids
• ·      Let kid knows that we are trying to work on our calm voice and we need their help.
• ·      Add a smile
• ·      Operate from the adult ego state
• ·      Apologize for yelling, if it happens explain why it happened.

Rewards – “I won’t do it unless I get that”. Chores should be family contributions, reminds children that house duties make the house operate smoothly, since everyone enjoys its privileges.

Everything positive and negative our kids do is based on motivation. External is rewards and praise, can leave a child wanting more. Internal is when they look within for their reward, pride, personal enjoyment, and is long term.

Toolbox Solution #3

-Encouragement-

• ·      Praise judges the child, encouragement focuses on the positive behavior or character trait.

Instead of	Try
Good Girl	Thank you for helping me
Wow! Another A!	Your hard work is really paying off
I’m so proud of you!	You must feel really proud of yourself.

• ·      Encourage when child performs actions worth noting. They need to take pride in their own accomplishments. Invite them to be proud of themselves.

·      More examples:

You seem to really enjoy art!

I see a very good job! You did it!

It’s so nice to walk into a clean room.

I feel like we are a team when we work together.

That’s what I call being a good sister.

That A shows a lot of hard work.

Look at your improvement!

You’re improving every week.

You really worked that out! That’s coming along nicely!

Your hard work is really paying off!

Now you have the hang of it!

That’s a tough one, but you’ll figure it out.

I appreciate what you’ve done!

Thanks for your help. That made my job easier.

I can tell you really care. How do you feel about it?

It must make you feel good that you planned ahead and got it all done in time.

I like the way you are sitting quietly.

Very creative! Terrific effort!

Toolbox Solution #4

-Take Time for Training-

• ·      Position the training in a positive light.
• ·      Use when there’s a behavior you’d like to teach.
• ·      Make sure you are in the right state of mind to train.
• ·      Limit distractions
• ·      Use role play. Have child teach the adult.
• ·      Avoid criticism.
• ·      Use “One thing that works well for me is:”

Toolbox Solution #5

-Choices-

• ·      To practice making decisions, prevent power struggles, end misbehaviors, and foster cooperation by giving choices.
• ·      Use to gain positive power or end power struggles.
• ·      Offer choices – less likely to misbehave in the first place.
• ·      Not everything has to be a choice, offer 2.

Toolbox Solution #6

-Decide What You Will Do-

• ·      Use when you want to reduce repeated misbehaviors
• ·      Use when you find yourself nagging about the same thing
• ·      Use when you end up doing things for your kids they should be doing themselves.
• ·      You can’t control someone else, only your reaction. Decide what you are going to do, it ends the battle for power. This tool puts the responsibility on the kid’s shoulders. If a child is not willing to take on the responsibility, they lose out on privilege. This tool commands respect-kids learn you’re not a doormat.
• ·      Be clear to child what you will do in a specific situation.
• ·      Be consistent, they will test to see if you are serious.
• ·      Follow through, hold firm.

Toolbox Solution #7

-Control the Environment-

• ·      Use to empower kids in everyday tasks or to defuse power struggles.
• ·      Adjust items in the house so children can access them.
• ·      Keep triggers out of sight (sweets, certain toys)

Toolbox Solution #8

-When, Then-

• Gets kids to cooperate without a battle. WHEN is the task to be done, THEN is the normally occurring privilege you can delay or deny your child. Use your calm voice, state your WHEN, THEN, say it once and make sure you are clear. Disengage or walk away. Be consistent on how you use WHEN,THEN so kids will learn that you mean business. There’s no arguing. Walk away so no power struggle develops.
• ·      Make sure the THEN is something they care about.
• ·      Use calm voice and smile.
• ·      It’s WHEN, not IF. If feels like a bribe and implies that you don’t have confidence they can get it done.
• ·      Adopt an attitude of indifference. If you are stressed they can add fuel to it.
• ·      Don’t offer reminders, it invites more whining.
• ·      Ignore talk back or disrespectful comments.
• ·      Set a deadline to make sure you are clear about when the task should be completed.
• ·      If task is not done in the reasonable amount of time, deny the privilege. Go after this example:  “I’m confident that you will be able to get everything done before dinner tomorrow night”.

Toolbox Solution #9

-Make WHEN, THEN Routines Boss-

• ·      Use at all times! Use as a routine. Use at difficult times, pushback, summertime, etc.
• ·      Reduces power struggles.
• ·      Ignore any attempts to negotiate. This provides plenty of positive power.

Toolbox Solution #10

-Natural Consequences-

• ·      Natural even you allow to play out. It’s what happens if you do nothing to rescue your child from their poor choices.  Avoid natural consequences if the timeline for cause & effect to play out is too long for the connection to be made.
• ·      Remember the 5 R’s – Respectful, Related, Reasonable, Revealed in Advance, & Related Back to You.
• ·      Don’t rescue your child-allow it to play out.
• ·      Avoid piggybacking-the consequence is its own lesson. No ‘I told you so’, respond with “That must have been hard, how did you handle that”.
• ·      Extremely effective and makes sense to our kids.
• ·      Life becomes the teacher. Makes child responsible for herself.
• ·      Use Calm Voice  -  adopt attitude of indifference.
• ·      Once you told child that they will be responsible for their own actions, don’t mention it again. Learning appropriate behaviors include not needing to be reminded or told what to do.
• ·      Follow through, otherwise they will learn nothing.

Toolbox Solution #11

-Logical Consequences-

• ·      Use when natural consequences are not available.
• ·      Establish in advance, follow 5 R’s or it will feel like punishment.
• ·      Use after giving a fair warning.
• ·      Use calm voice, attitude of indifference.
• ·      Say consequence one time, no repeating or reminding.
• ·      If poor choice is made, follow through with dignity and respect.

Toolbox Solution #12

-Either-Or Consequences-

• ·      Type of logical consequence to give quick and simple choices to kids that will put an end to misbehavior without a power struggle. Use in the heat of the moment.
• ·      Make sure it follows the 5 R’s and is repeated back to you.
• ·      Use when you want child to stop doing something.
• ·      Don’t use it out of anger or it will feel like a punishment.

*Mini-tool – Stop Talking & Take Action-

• ·      Train child in expected behavior.
• ·      If child has a meltdown, ignore and walk away.
• ·      Relies on your silence to make it effective.
• ·      Reminding over and over what kind of behavior is expected will only make her parent-deaf. They learn there is no reason to listen.
• ·      If they are acting up at dinner, remove plates and let them know they are excused-no reminders.
• ·      Show kids we are serious.

**Don’t use consequences if you have not revealed them in advance. Use misbehavior as teaching moments.**

Toolbox Solution #13

-Ignore Undue Attention Requests-

• ·      Undue attention is interrupting, whining, clinging, acting helpless and demanding endless acts of service. To quit undue attention, remove payoff.
• ·      Ignore the misbehavior – Use Decide What You Will Do, inform “whining hurts my ears and I will no longer pay attention to you when you are whining”.
• ·      Follow through, completely ignore undue attention.
• ·      Don’t remind “use big girl voice”
• ·      Reveal in advance what you plan to do.
• ·      Use encouragement throughout the day.

Toolbox Solution #14

-Attention Overload-

• ·      Plan on Mind, Body & Soul time 10-15 minutes prior to commitments.

*Mini-Tool: Avoid Special Service

• ·      Demands you to do something they can do on their own.
• ·      Seeking attention.
• ·      Reply with “Actually, I am going to let you handle that, because I know you can do it” or “You’re really growing up, and I have confidence you can do it”.

 Toolbox Solution #15

-Invite Cooperation-

• ·      Instead of bossing – say things like “Anything you can do would really help!” or use “What’s your plan on getting this done?”
• ·      “I’m sure dad would like some help”
• ·      Use it when it would normally produce a power struggle.

Toolbox Solution #16

-Withdraw from Conflict-

• ·      Completely remove payoff – entirely!
• ·      Reveal in advance, “when you can speak calmly, I’m here for you”
• ·      Simply disengage – leave the room.
• ·      Ignore the meltdown or it will lose it’s effectiveness
• ·      You remove the ‘powertrip’ she’d normally receive by the battle.
• ·      Retreat to the bathroom, “when I hear your calm voice, we can talk”
• ·      Use calm voice and adult ego state.

Toolbox Solution #17

-Using “I Feel” statements-

• ·      Has 3 parts

1. 1.     I feel (hurt, annoyed, disrespected)
2. 2.     When you (throw my, forget to…)
3. 3.     I wish (you would…)

• ·      Role play, calm voice, adult ego
• ·      Communicate clearly during high stress situations, defuse struggles.

Mistaken Goal-Revenge

• ·      Meant to cause physical or emotional harm.
• ·      Pretend the misbehavior does not affect you, and remove the payoff.
• ·      Don’t use logical consequences, only natural consequences.

Mistaken Goal-Assumed Inadequacy

• ·      Child has given up, they believe there is nothing they can do to succeed.
• ·      Overall inadequacy- given up on home life
• ·      Specific inadequacy- given up in sports, school, subjects
• ·      Overall develops after revenge behavior is addressed with punishment or when a child is allowed to continue to misbehave.
• ·      If we give up, child will give up further
• ·      Stop all punishment, encourage every effort in the right direction
• ·      Avoid using logical consequences, they’ll see them as punishment.

Sibling Rivalry

• ·      No labels, ‘musical one’, ‘smart one’, ‘pretty one’, etc
• ·      Don’t label the ‘go-to kid’
• ·      Schedule mind, body & soul time for both together, have them act positive toward eachother.
• ·      When we solve our kids disagreements, we take away a valuable opportunity for them to learn how to work things out.

Formula:

1.     Ignore now

2.     Train later

3.     Utilize only helpful adult interaction

4.     Put everyone in the same boat

Toolbox Solution #18

-Stay out of Fights-

• ·      Payoff is attention, they want us involved
• ·      Appear to ignore the fight
• ·      At a calm moment say “I’m not going to get involved in your fights”
• ·      They have to work it out on their own
• ·      Leave the room if they start a fight
• ·      When on the road, pull over. When quiet, you can proceed.

Toolbox Solution #19

-Teach Conflict Resolution Options-

• ·      Training to work it out on their own
• ·      Train that they can’t control another person, only themselves
• ·      Have private space, private/quiet time.
• ·      Rule: play fighting is allowed by mutual consent. Have a respect word such as “stop now” to put an end to it.
• ·      Train: each person has the choice to stay and fight or ignore and walk away
• ·      Use “I feel” statements
• ·      Train: respectful requests with open palm “May I have” vs “Give me back”

Toolbox Solution #20

-Helpful Parent Involvement-

• ·      Use sportscasting – “you seem upset” “you sound angry”
• ·      Ask kids to use “I feel” statements
• ·      Once you heard the problem, ask if they have ideas on how to solve it.
• ·      Give a few suggestions if they don’t know
• ·      Kids reach agreement between themselves

Toolbox Solution #21

-All in the Same Boat-

• ·      Make it clear, no one wins
• ·      Use an Either-Or to deliver a consequence
• ·      It’s not our job to make judgment, not important who started it, all that matters is who participates.
• ·      Everyone has the option to ignore and walk away.
• ·      Use when kids can’t agree on a solution
• ·      Removes the payoff for fighting, neither wins
• ·      Remain calm and indifferent to the two sides of the argument.
• ·      Refuse to listen to whining, deliver then walk away.

Toolbox Solution #22

-Basic Family Meeting-

• ·      Regular time and day
• ·      As a family, we value everyone’s input and decisions
• ·      Talk about – compliments & appreciatons, calendar, allowance (in envelope), snack (save for end), family fun (joke, game, movie, etc)

Toolbox Solution #23

-Family Meeting, Beyond the Basics-

• ·      General topics, problem solving, I Feel statements, training
• ·      Bring a problem with solutions
• ·      Decision requires consensus
• ·      Live with decisions for 1 week
• ·      Everyone has a job
• ·      Don’t solve all the problems